Halloween

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

Halloween is the time of year where everyone who is anyone dresses up in ridiculous outfits and girls try to out-slut one another.

I, on the other hand, just want to wear something ridiculously awesome and makes me feel cool.  And maybe a little bit slutty.

Every year I feel like I have *the best* costume ideas....

Such as Lady Gaga

A Sailor Scout (Not Sailor Moon, per se, but one of the lesser known girls. Such as Sailor Venus or Sailor Mars)

A Zombie Prom Queen

And more recently a Nudist on Strike

I think of all these costumes and feel like my head is spinning with awesome ideas that need to be unleashed to the world and let them gaze upon my splendor and utter creativity...but that never happens.  I end up having to wait until the last minute to even know if I can go celebrate Halloween.  Usually I end up working on Halloween night (well, ....the ones with fun-times).  I also manage to want something that costs an extreme amount of money, so I have become fairly frugal in the last couple of years.  Why shell out half your life savings and your first born for a costume you'll only wear once a year?

With those thoughts twirling around in  my mind, it is how instead of a Nudist on Strike I became Barbie this year.

After hearing everyone's totally rad outfit, or super slutty/sexy one, I decided (very last minute, such as, 2 hours before a fun-time event) to become Barbie.

I destroyed my room in search of everything and anything that is hot pink and hooker heels.

I actually managed to pull it off, and yet again, I did not spend more than 5 dollars on a Halloween costume.

A friend and the Roommate.

One year I will fulfill my dreams of being something ridiculously awesome, and slutty.  Maybe next year I can dress up as a person from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  It will result in sheer awesomeness and total slut-ness.  No girl will be slutty than I, unless they are naked...or in a bra and underwear.

Bruises

Before I start anything meaningful, I am totally making a toaster oven specialty... grilled cheese with TWO cheeses.  That is half of my calcium for the day (night)!  Take that nutrition!

I must be the perfect bruising human.  

I swear, I walk and get bruises on my knees FROM my knees.

Does that happen to anyone else? I feel as if I use my body for its intentions.  I move my joints so I can in turn move from one place to another. Which somehow turns into receiving bruises that seem to appear out of thin air.

I currently have 10 bruises on my body.  3 are accounted for and are located on my right arm (I was playing/wrestling my dog...she's the fattest and cutest dog ever).  The other 7 are on various spots on my legs.  Some are even right near where the thigh reaches the pelvis.  Seriously?  Did I get raped and not known about it?

If I did get raped, where did this occur? A better question, when did this occur?

Is there an invisible rapist who doesn't know how to rape?  Can he/she be stopped?  Will they ever learn to properly rape? 

Anyways, moral of the story: bruises like me.  I must be appetizing, like tacos.

Toaster Ovens= Adult Easy Bake Ovens

When I was a kid I was OBSESSED with my easy bake oven.

I wanted a small individual cake.  What I got, was a cake that actually isn't fully baked and resembles more of a gelatinous mound of cake batter and would probably be better if I just ingested the cake batter, but baking in a mini white/purple/pink oven is way awesomer than eating cake batter by it self.

I remember begging my mom to buy me more cake mixes so I can use my oven and bake treats like she did.  She would always seem wary at first, but my expert bargaining of trading my ability to execute manual labor and "I love you mommy!"'s always seem to win her over.

My mother would buy the mixes, and I would be over joyed with being able to FINALLY produce the most amazing baked goods. Ever.

The only problem was I was horrible at adding the right amount of liquids to the mixes. I would always add too much water, which causes the cake to be gross and not actually form a light, fluffy cake, but rather the gelatinous mound of cake batter as I have mentioned earlier.  I would then proceed to be upset with the fact that I could no longer have the chance to experience the "better" flavor of cake mixes.  Which really means, I fucked up the chocolate mix and vanilla is gross.

One time my mother even had the bright idea of putting the little tin of gelatinous mound of cake batter into the adult oven to cook it.  Nothing happened.  Not even the adult oven could fix my over use of liquids in this instance.  I was doomed to fail at baking...or was I!?

After the initial shock of failing at using my easy bake oven, I got over it and started making actual food with the adult oven.  Such as spaghetti, pork chops, and even the occasional omelette (now I'm just showing off).

But since I've started college, I've grown accustomed to using my toaster oven.

You just plug it in, put your bread on the rack, pizza rolls on a tray in the toaster oven...the possibilities are endless.  You can even make GRILLED CHEESE. With grille marks.  It is like a euphoric experience baking with a toaster oven.  All the different ways to make food because you are too lazy to operate a real oven.  Conceivably, you could probably bake little cupcakes in there, or even result in using the old easy bake oven tins. Maybe.

I can't even comprehend how many items you can cook in a toaster oven.  It is almost like a game; "What exotic food shall I cook in the toaster oven today?" (exotic meaning something similar to hot dogs).  I haven't actually tried that, they might explode, but I feel like it could be a winner.  Winning is always an option.

That is why a toaster oven equals an adult easy bake oven.  

This Is Nifty.

This one time I decided to start a blog.
This one time I accomplished this decision.
Huzzah!

I decided to actually make one of these when I realized I wasn't accomplishing my studying abilities.
Reading about the vision system is too thrilling to even comprehend.

Sarcasm.

We shall see if I am any decent at this and if people actually find me amusing, I might win a little bit inside. Okay, that's a lie, I would win a lot.

Do you know what I hate?

Pink/purple/red drinks.

Whenever you drink one of them (and they are ALWAYS the most delicious) you always MANAGE to spill some. Even if you do not recall spilling it, you did. You always do. It's an unspoken rule of the pink/purple/red drinks.

They seduce you with their tasty-ness and utterly sexy color (because, when I think of red I think of porn, it's the lipstick) you can not not drink them!  The ever cascading juice/drink that enters your mouth and fills your taste buds with that sweet tangy yet delicate flavor of epic proportions is inescapable and undeniable.

Anyways, you spill it on your white object. It would be more convenient to spill on a white fluffy dog, like a bichon frise, because maybe it would absorb it and turn pink and therefore prove to be a much superior dog than the white kind. SO you spill it, sometimes on your shirt, the carpet, shoes, pants, anything else that is white. You have to clean it IMMEDIATELY.

You proceed to find a stain remover.

You spray the shit out of the that stain, and hope its over.

You forget the stain remover is still doing its duty, until you smell it and wonder what that smell is.

Realizing what the smell is you get a paper towel and try to absorb the mess, but manage to make it all foamy and it spreads EVERYWHERE.  It's like the Huns invading, you don't know whats going on and then BAM! Your territory is taken.

After a few minutes of trying to stop the Huns beating down your great wall, you manage to make it look orderly and tidy and go on to drinking your pink/red/purple drink.

Until the cycle happens again.

I don't really know how to end this. So here's a picture.